I don't even know how to begin...
We gave birth to and lost Noah one month ago today. That event has created so many emotions:
I have experienced sorrow. I went through several days of absolute, do not want to get out of bed depression. I was mourning not only the loss of our son, but the loss of the future...not literally, but the future that we had anticipated; taking my mother-in-law with us to our appointment to find out the sex of the baby (which was scheduled for about 2 weeks after we lost Noah), being big and pregnant at the beach and comparing bellies and pregnancy woes with my sister-in-law (she is due with their baby boy about 1 week before I was due) and our double baby shower with the Rutherford family, being super pregnant at Grace's 2nd birthday and while on our last only-child trip to Disney, having a newborn at Thanksgiving and a house full of family, celebrating a baby's first Christmas here in Raleigh with my family, and the nervous excitement of learning to juggle 2 kids. (After some convincing from my mom, Paul and I made the decision to talk to our OB about putting me on something mild to help take the edge off, so to speak. We had originally declined the offer from the OB when he asked us about it while I was still in the hospital. I began taking a mild daily dose of Zoloft and I really feel that it has helped.)
I have experienced heart-wrenching jealousy. I was jealous that my sister-in-law is still pregnant with their baby boy and I am not, and that they were still able to celebrate having their first son and we are not. I was jealous every time I would find out that someone new was pregnant, and it felt like every person that I knew who was already pregnant found out that they are having a boy. I would even get jealous of the women I came in contact with in a store or restaurant who had a child with them and a pregnant belly.
I have experienced fear. I would lie awake in bed for hours fearing that I will never be able to get pregnant again, and that if I am able to get pregnant that I won't be able to keep the pregnancy full-term or at least far enough along for the baby to survive. With every pain, cramp, and discharge, I would fear that they were not normal symptoms and that I was loosing my fertility. I feared answering phone calls and the initial conversations with people, even close friends and family.
I have experienced worry. I worried about Paul and how he was coping with our loss. I worried about Grace and if she could sense that something was going on. I worried about something happening to my friends and family, especially Paul and Grace. I thought, "if this unexpected thing could happen, what else?" I worried about how expensive the medical bills would be.
I have experienced hurt. I had people who were close to us ask me inappropriate questions and say inappropriate things, which we had been warned by the Chaplin, doctor, and nurses would most likely happen, but I was still hurt when they did. I had people who I thought I was close to say nothing at all, not even acknowledge what we were going through.
I have experienced anger. I was angry at God and our new circumstances and how He could allow this to happen to our family. I was angry at women who choose to abort their own children, who in some cases are the same number of weeks along as I was with Noah when we lost him and some who are as far along as 20 weeks, because was able to hold our son in my arms and he was only 15 weeks 5 days developed.
This past month has been really hard, and sometimes it still is, but even through all of those difficult emotions, I experienced some positive and uplifting emotions too:
I have experienced love and kindness. Paul, Grace, and I were surrounded by an abundant outpouring of love. We had people show love by caring for Grace, bringing meals, sending words of encouragement through cards, texts, emails, and voicemails, giving gifts, and keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. For the past month, we have had more days of overnight company than not, with our family and my childhood best friend coming to just be here with us and love on us. All of this, while expecting nothing in return.
I have experienced patience. People allowed us to grieve on our own time by allowing us to answer or respond to them when we were ready and not being upset with us when we weren't. People let me cry when I needed to and laugh when I wanted to.
I have experienced joy and thankfulness. My amazing husband Paul, my sweet daughter Grace, my wonderful friends and family all brought me more joy during this month than I have experienced in a while. I kissed Paul longer and I squeezed Grace harder. I grew even closer to my sister-in-law. I took the time to appreciate all that I have, and I am so very VERY thankful that God has blessed me so richly!
I have experienced hope. My fear of if I am going to be able to have more children has changed to WHEN I have more children.
Most importantly, I have experienced peace. God sent us a heavenly angel to calm our fears and to remind us that He is with us, always. I know that He has a plan for us and that this whole experience is part of that plan, and slowly but surely, the sorrow and jealousy, the anger and hurt, and the fear and worry will continue to be replaced by more and more hope and peace.
God is good, all the time.
ALL the time...
GOD
IS
GOOD.
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