Whew! What a day.
Noah was born into heaven 3 months ago today. I still can't believe it. When I let myself go there, I can still picture his tiny perfect life-less body in my arms. It still hurts. I still have my box of pictures, foot prints, foot molds, sympathy cards, and various other specail things that we have received. I haven't been able to look at them since the week after we lost him. Overall, I feel that I am doing better. I've been able to move past only getting together with a few close friends to being able to get together in small groups. Bigger social situations are still very overwhelming to me, and I can't really explain why. I still hestitate a little when I talk to someone for the first time since it happend. I guess I'm a little "gun shy" because I don't always know what people are going to say or what they are going to ask, you would really be surprised.
We lost our son. Well, I probably shouldn't say that we "lost" him, I know exactly where he is. He is in heaven, playing with his twin and partying it up with Jesus. My Papa is feeding him Little Debbie cakes by the box full (my favorite when I was little) and teaching him to play catch. God needed him more, and it really is comforting to know that I will see him, and his twin, in Heaven.
This weekend, I had the pleasure of having an intimate chat with one of my sweet neighbors. Her story didn't involve losing a child, it involved receiving a diagnosis. (I am not going to give any specific details, since she has no idea I am making reference to our conversation, and it is her story to tell.) During our talk, we began to talk about how our "situations" or "circumstances" have affected our faith. She told me a story about how one day, after the diagnosis, she was sitting on the sofa in her favorite room in her house at the time, her formal living room with big windows and all of her favorite furniture. All of a sudden she felt as if she was sitting in God's hands and not on her sofa. It was as if He was cupping her in the palm of His hands. He said to her, "It will all be OK. Everything will be OK." What a moment of clarity it was for her. She told me how she loves having the moment of clarity to fall back on.
Losing Noah brought me to a place where I was vulnerable and really, fully leaned on the Lord. He brought me an angel. I needed Him, and now I too have that moment of clarity to lean on during my rough moments or days.
I have also had several people who have told me that they can't believe that I have shared so much about what we have been going through on my blog. Why is that? I want to talk about Noah. I want to talk about God and how He sent me an angel. I want to talk about my pain and how it has made my relationship with the Lord better than ever. I want to talk about my journey, my struggles, my God, and use it ALL as a way to talk with people and find out about their journeys, their struggles, and hopefully their God. I want to talk about it all, on my own terms. I want people to pray for me, I still need it. I want to pray for other people who also need it. If someone doesn't have God, maybe I can help them find Him! If there is a time I don't want to talk about it, I will tell you that too.
One thing that talking about my journey has taught me is that other people hurt and struggle...people you would never even begin to imagine, people you think have a "perfect" life, with their "perfect" family, in their "perfect" house. By me sharing my pain and struggles, it has allowed other people to open up and share theirs with me. Some people have lost children the same way I did. Some people have lost their children as babies, toddlers, school aged, college aged, and as adults. Some people have never been able to even get pregnant. Some people were able to get pregnant after thousands of dollars and several years of medical assistance. Some people have made the decision to adopt and have lost those children to mothers who change their mind at the last minute. Some people have been given a diagnosis that has changed their lives forever. Some people struggle with addiction. Some people have marrital problems. Some people have lost their way to or are barely able to support their family. My point is, we shouldn't make assumptions. Your or my best friend may be struggling with something and we are too busy judging others (or them) or comparing ourself to others (or them) to even notice. Talk to people. Share your journey. Ask for prayer. Pray!
I have been forever changed by losing Noah. I know that I can't let myself be consumed by his loss. If I allowed myself to do that, I would miss out on the amazing, beautiful life that God has blessed me with.
How. Awesome. Is. God.
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