The Good, the Bad, and the Godly

Whew! What a day.

Noah was born into heaven 3 months ago today. I still can't believe it. When I let myself go there, I can still picture his tiny perfect life-less body in my arms. It still hurts. I still have my box of pictures, foot prints, foot molds, sympathy cards, and various other specail things that we have received. I haven't been able to look at them since the week after we lost him. Overall, I feel that I am doing better. I've been able to move past only getting together with a few close friends to being able to get together in small groups. Bigger social situations are still very overwhelming to me, and I can't really explain why. I still hestitate a little when I talk to someone for the first time since it happend. I guess I'm a little "gun shy" because I don't always know what people are going to say or what they are going to ask, you would really be surprised.

We lost our son. Well, I probably shouldn't say that we "lost" him, I know exactly where he is. He is in heaven, playing with his twin and partying it up with Jesus. My Papa is feeding him Little Debbie cakes by the box full (my favorite when I was little) and teaching him to play catch. God needed him more, and it really is comforting to know that I will see him, and his twin, in Heaven.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of having an intimate chat with one of my sweet neighbors. Her story didn't involve losing a child, it involved receiving a diagnosis. (I am not going to give any specific details, since she has no idea I am making reference to our conversation, and it is her story to tell.) During our talk, we began to talk about how our "situations" or "circumstances" have affected our faith. She told me a story about how one day, after the diagnosis, she was sitting on the sofa in her favorite room in her house at the time, her formal living room with big windows and all of her favorite furniture. All of a sudden she felt as if she was sitting in God's hands and not on her sofa. It was as if He was cupping her in the palm of His hands. He said to her, "It will all be OK. Everything will be OK." What a moment of clarity it was for her. She told me how she loves having the moment of clarity to fall back on.

Losing Noah brought me to a place where I was vulnerable and really, fully leaned on the Lord. He brought me an angel. I needed Him, and now I too have that moment of clarity to lean on during my rough moments or days.

I have also had several people who have told me that they can't believe that I have shared so much about what we have been going through on my blog. Why is that? I want to talk about Noah. I want to talk about God and how He sent me an angel. I want to talk about my pain and how it has made my relationship with the Lord better than ever. I want to talk about my journey, my struggles, my God, and use it ALL as a way to talk with people and find out about their journeys, their struggles, and hopefully their God. I want to talk about it all, on my own terms. I want people to pray for me, I still need it. I want to pray for other people who also need it. If someone doesn't have God, maybe I can help them find Him! If there is a time I don't want to talk about it, I will tell you that too.

One thing that talking about my journey has taught me is that other people hurt and struggle...people you would never even begin to imagine, people you think have a "perfect" life, with their "perfect" family, in their "perfect" house. By me sharing my pain and struggles, it has allowed other people to open up and share theirs with me. Some people have lost children the same way I did. Some people have lost their children as babies, toddlers, school aged, college aged, and as adults. Some people have never been able to even get pregnant. Some people were able to get pregnant after thousands of dollars and several years of medical assistance. Some people have made the decision to adopt and have lost those children to mothers who change their mind at the last minute. Some people have been given a diagnosis that has changed their lives forever. Some people struggle with addiction. Some people have marrital problems. Some people have lost their way to or are barely able to support their family. My point is, we shouldn't make assumptions. Your or my best friend may be struggling with something and we are too busy judging others (or them) or comparing ourself to others (or them) to even notice. Talk to people. Share your journey. Ask for prayer. Pray!

I have been forever changed by losing Noah. I know that I can't let myself be consumed by his loss. If I allowed myself to do that, I would miss out on the amazing, beautiful life that God has blessed me with.

How. Awesome. Is. God.

Just what the Dr ordered

Walking into the my OB's office and seeing all of the pregnant bellies and new babies, I couldn't help but get choked up. Paul checked us in at the counter and we went and sat down in the back corner of the waiting room and held hands in silence while we waited to hear our name. A few minutes later, a nice nurse is leading us to the back and has Paul sit down on the bench to wait while she gets my stats. I sit down in the same chair that I always sat in to get my blood pressure and various other stats taken. Tears start streaming down my cheeks. She hands me a tissue and we go get Paul and head into an examination room. The Dr comes in and examines me. After the exam, he tells us that he wants to have some blood work done and to send me to have an hysterosalpingogram (HSG). We leave the examination room and head over to the nurse's station, where she draws SEVEN viles of blood to test. We check out, pay, and leave the OB office.

A few days later, Paul and I head to the fertility clinic so I can have my HSG done. I am so anxious! As we sit in the waiting room, we hear a patient telling the front desk staff that she is pregnant and thanks them for being so wonderful. Modern medicine...what a blessing! They call my name and I head back to this teeny tiny room with a huge machine in it, so big that they tell me that I have to leave Paul behind because there isn't enough room for him in there too! The nurse preps me for my proceedure. The Dr comes in and begins. Now, I love all things medically related. I think that modern medicine is amazing, a blessing from the Lord, but I am super SUPER anxious...and not just for the proceedure itself, but for what the results might be. Using an xray machine, the doctor uses a catheter to inject a die into my uterus that then flows into my fallopian tubes and then into my overies. My fear was soon overcome by interest in what was happening on the screen. It was pretty amazing to see what he was able to do! It took all of 10 minutes and he was done.

A few more days pass and Paul and I head back to the OB to get the results of all of the bloodwork, HSG, and pathology labs. My bloodwork came back normal...PRAISE THE LORD. My HSG came back clear...PRAISE THE LORD. My pathology reports from the birth showed that I had a blood clot pass during delivery. The Dr thinks that it may have played a part in the loss of Noah, but it may not have. One thing I have not mentioned before is that during the beginning of Noah's pregnancy, I had what they call a "vanishing twin". At my 7 week ultrasound, the OB was able to see two sacks, one that had a heart beat and one that did not. My pregnancy started out as twins and we lost the first baby before we even knew that there were two in there. The OB was able to tell that the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. What a hard thing to hear. The OB is unsure if that played a part in losing Noah or not. In a way, I want there to be something wrong so that it can explain why we lost Noah and so that we can fix it. I tell the OB this, he says, "Well, at least we didn't find something wrong that can't be fixed." Touché.

Overall, the OB feels that losing my last pregnancy was a "fluke," and that I should be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant again. We have been given the all clear to begin trying again whenever we feel emotionally ready. He did say that as of now, I am on their "high risk" list and that my file will be entered in now so that their high risk doctors can get familiar with my case. He also said that they will most likely take a few precautionary measures during our next pregnancy. 1 - I will most likely have to have a cerclage (stitch my cervix closed). 2 - I will most likely have to take a protein to help keep my uterus relaxed. 3 - I will most likely have to take a perscription to keep the bacteria levels down. (I really don't know what any of the means, but I pray that we will see in the future). The OB said, "I hope to see you back here in two months, pregnant with one baby." I don't know about two months or one baby. We will have to see what God has in store for us. Right now, I just keep praying for my emotional well being. I feel that overall I am progressing, but I have my days where I feel like a take a step back. It is amazing what little things can trigger an emotion!

I know that all of this is a part of God's plan for me, my family, and our journey together. It is not always easy, in fact, it has been hard, but I know that we have each other and most importantly, we have Him!

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

God Sent me an Angel

I know some of you may think that I am CRAZY, but I whole-heartedly believe that God sent me an angel today.

This morning started off like many other mornings. We woke up and had breakfast together as a family, Paul made his delicious waffles. After breakfast, we worked on cleaning up around the house a little and ran a few errands in preparation for some of our family coming into town tonight. While out, we decided to stop at Chick-fil-A and have lunch (I know, surprise, surprise...we ate at Chick-fil-A). Paul took Grace to sit down while I ordered.

When I got to the table, I noticed this man sitting at the table behind us, staring at our table. I tried to just ignore it and just continue to enjoy our lunch. As we were finishing up, this man walked over and said that he wanted to pray for us. "OK," we said and closed our eyes.

He began to pray. I have to admit, I was a little distracted by trying to keep Grace from getting out of the high chair. All of a sudden, the words, "bless their future children" catch my attention. I freeze. Shortly followed by, "and thank you for their future financial gain." My mouth drops. Those were literally the only two things that he prayed for. He says Amen. We thank him and he leaves the restaurant. Paul and I are silent for a minute before we begin cleaning up and gathering our belongings to leave.

We get in the car and make it about half way home before I turn and look at him and say, "I can't believe the two things that man prayed for."

Paul says, "I know, they brought me such comfort."

"Me too," I say as I tear up, "And peace."

What that man could not have known is that ever since we lost Noah, I have been having the immense fear that we will not be able to have any more children. He could not have known that we signed a contract on our house in Greenville and just received the inspection back but the contractor can't make it to our house until Tuesday to tell us what all needs to be done, how much it will cost, and if the company buying our house still wants to purchase it for sure. He could not have known that I have spent many nights lying awake in bed thinking about the loss of Noah and everything that goes with it. He could not have known that I spent last night lying awake in bed worrying about the sell of our house and what might happen if it falls through. He could not have known ANY of our current circumstances!...he was not a family member, he was not a friend, he was not overhearing us talking about them, he did not even have a conversation with us.

The only explanation is that he was an earthly angel and that God sent him to us to reassure us and remind us that He is taking care of us, just as He always does.

I truly believe that God answered my prayers, the same prayers I have been praying for the last month...to ease my mind and heart and to know that He is in control and that He has a plan.

I wasn't getting it.

I needed a visual.

God sent me an angel.