Miscarriage

On Thanksgiving day we found out that we were pregnant! We were able to take Paul's parents and my mom on a walk and share the good news. We laughed and cried and hugged, it was such a sweet moment. I went to the OB two weeks later for my first visit and confirmation ultrasound. Since I measured early, they scheduled me to come back the following Friday for a follow-up ultrasound so that we could see the heart beat.

The next Wednesday, I had some heavy bleeding and clotting, so I called the OB. They had us come in and checked me out. They did an ultrasound where we got to see the heart beat! We were so relieved! They told me to go home and take it easy to try to get the bleeding to stop. Later that afternoon I started having severe cramps. I went to the restroom, where I passed a large amount of blood, tissue, and the sac. I just sunk to the bathroom floor and sobbed. I called Paul at work and he came home. By this time, the OB was closed, so the answering service had the doctor call me back. He told me to come in first thing that morning.

The next morning, we went to the OB. We had another ultrasound that confirmed what we already knew and prepared ourselves to see, an empty uterus. Paul and I burst into tears. Since there was still tissue and blood present, the OB gave me two choices; 1) to schedule a D&C, or 2) to use a prescription, Cytotec, to induce cramping to try to help pass the remaining "stuff", and schedule another ultrasound a week later. We chose the Cytotec. That night, before we went to sleep, I had to take the Cytotec.

We went back to the OB today and our appointment went GREAT! Everything is clear and my body is already preparing to cycle again, which is great, so NO D&C, PRAISE THE LORD!! Dr. Rush recommends that we wait at least one cycle, and when we are emotionally ready, to start trying again. At the first positive pregnancy test, I will call the OB and they will prescribe a vaginal form of progesterone that I will use once a day until about 12 weeks, and then I will get it in a shot form every week after that. I will go in at six and a half weeks for an ultrasound, and then again two weeks later, at that time I can decide to do the new pregnancy two hour appointment then or wait and come back after two more weeks for another ultrasound and then the appointment. I will also be considered high risk, and thankfully there are high risk doctors on staff at our current OB, so I will just continue to go there. My case is already being added to the high risk case load (which they meet every Tuesday to discuss), so whenever we are ready and do get pregnant, they will be familiar with our case. Dr. Rush was AMAZING! We are so thankful that God had us meet with her the last few times and for her plan of action! We both feel very much at ease and at peace.

Thank you so much, to everyone, for all of the thoughts, prayers, sweet messages, and most importantly prayers. God is so good, and we are so blessed by each of you!

Even God Uses Craigslist

I was finally able to find my "dream stroller" (I know, I am weird) on Craigslist for super cheap. Paul agreed that I could buy it only if I promised to sell all three of my other strollers (yes three) to cover the cost of my new stroller and if it didn't cover all of it that I would do some babysitting to make up the cost or take it out of my monthly allowance (you gotta love a budget).

I posted all three strollers on Facebook and Craigslist. I sold the double stroller within about 5 minutes. I get a few inquires on the Baby Jogger and the Snap-n-go, but no follow-throughs. A few days pass and I get an email about the jogger. We set it up for her to come by on Friday morning. Perfect. I take it off of Craigslist. I get an email a few days later saying that she was sorry but she found another stroller and would not be purchasing ours. I am not going to lie, I was a little annoyed. I emailed her back and politely let her know that I wish she had told me that she was still looking for strollers so that I could have kept it on Craigslist. Here is where it gets interesting (here is our actual email chain, I am calling her "C"):

C - "I'm sorry. We were set on yours, but came across a Bob for $75. We lost a baby four weeks ago at 23 weeks, so we had unexpected funeral and hospital expenses. We had a double and obviously now we need a single. I have had a lot on my mind lately and I'm sorry I didn't let you know. But the cheaper the better for us right now."

I. Cannot. Believe it.

Me - "I can completely understand. I am so sorry to hear of your loss! We gave birth to and lost our son at 16 weeks on June 3. I will definitely be praying for you and your family. If you ever need an ear, I am here."

C - "Thank you so much Carolyn! We really appreciate that. If we didn't have our 20 month old son it would be much harder! I am so sorry for your loss as well. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone. We know it will get better and there was a reason for it. We hope to try again one day. Thank you so much again for understanding!"

What?!

Me - "I agree. If it wasn't for my 22 month old daughter, Grace, I don't know what I would do! It makes it easier, but it is still hard. I can't go to baby showers and large social gathers are still overwhelming. But, God is good and I rejoice in knowing that I will see Noah in heaven one day. I hope and pray it will continue to get easier for you too."

C - "Yes I totally agree. We know we will see our son "B" again in heaven too. My sister-in-law is due the same week I would have been due, so that will always be a hard time. I am like you, no baby showers for me this year. We are very hopeful for what God has in store for us in the future. Thank you again for sharing your story, and listening to mine!"

Come again?!

Me - "Oh my gosh, are you serious? My sister in law is due the week that I was due as well! With a boy. Oh my gosh, we have so much in common! It is like it was meant to be for us to get to know each other through this transaction. See, God is good! Maybe we should get together. Would you be interested in that? Or is it kinda weird, lol."

C - "Wow that IS crazy! and yes God is good :) what a coincidence. My sister in law is having a boy too! I would love to meet for coffee sometime. I think there is definitely a reason our paths crossed!"

I found out later, that not only did we have all of those things in common, we live off of the SAME ROAD.

We are getting together next week. What a special friendship this already is!

God. Is. Good.

Let's face it, these last three months after losing Noah have been hard, but they have also been enlightening. God has shown me that He is present in our every day lives and that He fullfills our every need...

...even if it takes using Craigslist.

What Grace taught me about friends

I love watching Grace with her friends. Running. Climbing. Running. Laughing. Running. Swinging. Running. Sliding. Running. Playing. Running. Make-believeing. Did I mention running? Anyways, I love watching her with her friends.

Grace knows who her friends are. She knows not only their names, but their sibling's names, their parents' names, and their dog's names. She randomly asks about them during the day/week. She carries their pictures around the house or asks to see their pictures on my phone. She asks to call them. She tells them she loves them. She thanks God for them when she prays.

Wow!

I need be more like Grace:

I need to know not only their names, but their children's names, their spouse's names, their sibling's names, their parents' names, etc.

I need to take pictures of them and with them.

I need to randomly ask about them during the day/week.

I need to be better about calling them.

I need to tell them that I love them.

I need to ALWAYS thank God for them!


"When we consider the blessings of God — the gifts that add beauty and joy to our lives, that enable us to keep going through stretches of boredom and even suffering — friendship is very near the top." — Donald W. McCullough

The Good, the Bad, and the Godly

Whew! What a day.

Noah was born into heaven 3 months ago today. I still can't believe it. When I let myself go there, I can still picture his tiny perfect life-less body in my arms. It still hurts. I still have my box of pictures, foot prints, foot molds, sympathy cards, and various other specail things that we have received. I haven't been able to look at them since the week after we lost him. Overall, I feel that I am doing better. I've been able to move past only getting together with a few close friends to being able to get together in small groups. Bigger social situations are still very overwhelming to me, and I can't really explain why. I still hestitate a little when I talk to someone for the first time since it happend. I guess I'm a little "gun shy" because I don't always know what people are going to say or what they are going to ask, you would really be surprised.

We lost our son. Well, I probably shouldn't say that we "lost" him, I know exactly where he is. He is in heaven, playing with his twin and partying it up with Jesus. My Papa is feeding him Little Debbie cakes by the box full (my favorite when I was little) and teaching him to play catch. God needed him more, and it really is comforting to know that I will see him, and his twin, in Heaven.

This weekend, I had the pleasure of having an intimate chat with one of my sweet neighbors. Her story didn't involve losing a child, it involved receiving a diagnosis. (I am not going to give any specific details, since she has no idea I am making reference to our conversation, and it is her story to tell.) During our talk, we began to talk about how our "situations" or "circumstances" have affected our faith. She told me a story about how one day, after the diagnosis, she was sitting on the sofa in her favorite room in her house at the time, her formal living room with big windows and all of her favorite furniture. All of a sudden she felt as if she was sitting in God's hands and not on her sofa. It was as if He was cupping her in the palm of His hands. He said to her, "It will all be OK. Everything will be OK." What a moment of clarity it was for her. She told me how she loves having the moment of clarity to fall back on.

Losing Noah brought me to a place where I was vulnerable and really, fully leaned on the Lord. He brought me an angel. I needed Him, and now I too have that moment of clarity to lean on during my rough moments or days.

I have also had several people who have told me that they can't believe that I have shared so much about what we have been going through on my blog. Why is that? I want to talk about Noah. I want to talk about God and how He sent me an angel. I want to talk about my pain and how it has made my relationship with the Lord better than ever. I want to talk about my journey, my struggles, my God, and use it ALL as a way to talk with people and find out about their journeys, their struggles, and hopefully their God. I want to talk about it all, on my own terms. I want people to pray for me, I still need it. I want to pray for other people who also need it. If someone doesn't have God, maybe I can help them find Him! If there is a time I don't want to talk about it, I will tell you that too.

One thing that talking about my journey has taught me is that other people hurt and struggle...people you would never even begin to imagine, people you think have a "perfect" life, with their "perfect" family, in their "perfect" house. By me sharing my pain and struggles, it has allowed other people to open up and share theirs with me. Some people have lost children the same way I did. Some people have lost their children as babies, toddlers, school aged, college aged, and as adults. Some people have never been able to even get pregnant. Some people were able to get pregnant after thousands of dollars and several years of medical assistance. Some people have made the decision to adopt and have lost those children to mothers who change their mind at the last minute. Some people have been given a diagnosis that has changed their lives forever. Some people struggle with addiction. Some people have marrital problems. Some people have lost their way to or are barely able to support their family. My point is, we shouldn't make assumptions. Your or my best friend may be struggling with something and we are too busy judging others (or them) or comparing ourself to others (or them) to even notice. Talk to people. Share your journey. Ask for prayer. Pray!

I have been forever changed by losing Noah. I know that I can't let myself be consumed by his loss. If I allowed myself to do that, I would miss out on the amazing, beautiful life that God has blessed me with.

How. Awesome. Is. God.

Just what the Dr ordered

Walking into the my OB's office and seeing all of the pregnant bellies and new babies, I couldn't help but get choked up. Paul checked us in at the counter and we went and sat down in the back corner of the waiting room and held hands in silence while we waited to hear our name. A few minutes later, a nice nurse is leading us to the back and has Paul sit down on the bench to wait while she gets my stats. I sit down in the same chair that I always sat in to get my blood pressure and various other stats taken. Tears start streaming down my cheeks. She hands me a tissue and we go get Paul and head into an examination room. The Dr comes in and examines me. After the exam, he tells us that he wants to have some blood work done and to send me to have an hysterosalpingogram (HSG). We leave the examination room and head over to the nurse's station, where she draws SEVEN viles of blood to test. We check out, pay, and leave the OB office.

A few days later, Paul and I head to the fertility clinic so I can have my HSG done. I am so anxious! As we sit in the waiting room, we hear a patient telling the front desk staff that she is pregnant and thanks them for being so wonderful. Modern medicine...what a blessing! They call my name and I head back to this teeny tiny room with a huge machine in it, so big that they tell me that I have to leave Paul behind because there isn't enough room for him in there too! The nurse preps me for my proceedure. The Dr comes in and begins. Now, I love all things medically related. I think that modern medicine is amazing, a blessing from the Lord, but I am super SUPER anxious...and not just for the proceedure itself, but for what the results might be. Using an xray machine, the doctor uses a catheter to inject a die into my uterus that then flows into my fallopian tubes and then into my overies. My fear was soon overcome by interest in what was happening on the screen. It was pretty amazing to see what he was able to do! It took all of 10 minutes and he was done.

A few more days pass and Paul and I head back to the OB to get the results of all of the bloodwork, HSG, and pathology labs. My bloodwork came back normal...PRAISE THE LORD. My HSG came back clear...PRAISE THE LORD. My pathology reports from the birth showed that I had a blood clot pass during delivery. The Dr thinks that it may have played a part in the loss of Noah, but it may not have. One thing I have not mentioned before is that during the beginning of Noah's pregnancy, I had what they call a "vanishing twin". At my 7 week ultrasound, the OB was able to see two sacks, one that had a heart beat and one that did not. My pregnancy started out as twins and we lost the first baby before we even knew that there were two in there. The OB was able to tell that the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. What a hard thing to hear. The OB is unsure if that played a part in losing Noah or not. In a way, I want there to be something wrong so that it can explain why we lost Noah and so that we can fix it. I tell the OB this, he says, "Well, at least we didn't find something wrong that can't be fixed." Touché.

Overall, the OB feels that losing my last pregnancy was a "fluke," and that I should be able to get pregnant and stay pregnant again. We have been given the all clear to begin trying again whenever we feel emotionally ready. He did say that as of now, I am on their "high risk" list and that my file will be entered in now so that their high risk doctors can get familiar with my case. He also said that they will most likely take a few precautionary measures during our next pregnancy. 1 - I will most likely have to have a cerclage (stitch my cervix closed). 2 - I will most likely have to take a protein to help keep my uterus relaxed. 3 - I will most likely have to take a perscription to keep the bacteria levels down. (I really don't know what any of the means, but I pray that we will see in the future). The OB said, "I hope to see you back here in two months, pregnant with one baby." I don't know about two months or one baby. We will have to see what God has in store for us. Right now, I just keep praying for my emotional well being. I feel that overall I am progressing, but I have my days where I feel like a take a step back. It is amazing what little things can trigger an emotion!

I know that all of this is a part of God's plan for me, my family, and our journey together. It is not always easy, in fact, it has been hard, but I know that we have each other and most importantly, we have Him!

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

What's in a name?

I have ALWAYS wanted to give a daughter the name "Grace Pennington," in fact, when Paul and I were just dating we had a conversation about baby names (did anyone else do that?). Thankfully, he liked it to. I am so thankful for God's "grace" and want to share it with others, and what better way than in my child's name?

Grace's middle name is Pennington. My grandmother's (Nanny) madden name is Pennington. In fact, she goes by Penny (to anyone not related to her, that is). Not only is Nanny Paul's and my only surviving grandparent, but she is amazing. She has battled and beat skin and breast cancer. Most importantly, above all things, she loved the Lord and she still loves the Lord today. She and Paul have always had a special relationship, sharing books and having theological conversations. But sadly, in the last few years, she has gotten older and the conversations have become more about day to day life and less about theology. But she still loves the Lord. In everything, she gives thanks. When she fell and broke her thumb, she thanked the Lord it wasn't her hip.

I hope that I can be like her. I hope that people can look at me in my old age and say that I loved the Lord, that I still love the Lord. That, no matter what He brought me to, He led me through. Most importantly I hope and pray that I can teach and lead my daughter to be like her. Maybe, just maybe, by giving Grace a piece of her name, it can help me to be sure to give her a piece of Heaven.

Here are a few pictures from our last visit with Nanny. Hopefully we will see her again soon!

Jesus Took the Wheel

...and the tires!

My cousin Chris and his sweet fiancee Noelle are
Today, while driving from Greenville to Raleigh, a radom car drove up beside us on I85 and the man inside started motioning to role down the window. I rolled down my window and he proceeded to tell me that my driver's side rear tire was low. My Uncle had me stop at the next avaiable exit with a Sheetz (free air) and he check and filled up all four tires. After a potty break/snack stop, we got back on the road. About 30 minutes later, my tire indicator light comes on and indicates that there is a problem with the passenger's side front tire. So, my uncle has me stop again (another Sheetz), the tire is low by 10psi. He fills it up and we get on the road. Less than 30 minutes later, my tire indicator comes on AGAIN! NOT. GOOD. My uncle asks me if I know of any tire places open now (because, of course, it is 9:45pm). I call my good friend Laura and have her ask her hubby. There is not. My mom has me call AAA. They pull in the driveway behind us. We get out of the car and you can HEAR the tire hissing from the air coming out!! The AAA guy is shocked that we made it home safely because you could see the metal through the tire. He changes the tire and puts the spare on and we get a full set of new tires the next morning.

I am so thankful that the Lord was watching out for us and protected us. Thank you God!!

NHR - Happy 1 month in Heaven

I don't even know how to begin...

We gave birth to and lost Noah one month ago today. That event has created so many emotions:

I have experienced sorrow. I went through several days of absolute, do not want to get out of bed depression. I was mourning not only the loss of our son, but the loss of the future...not literally, but the future that we had anticipated; taking my mother-in-law with us to our appointment to find out the sex of the baby (which was scheduled for about 2 weeks after we lost Noah), being big and pregnant at the beach and comparing bellies and pregnancy woes with my sister-in-law (she is due with their baby boy about 1 week before I was due) and our double baby shower with the Rutherford family, being super pregnant at Grace's 2nd birthday and while on our last only-child trip to Disney, having a newborn at Thanksgiving and a house full of family, celebrating a baby's first Christmas here in Raleigh with my family, and the nervous excitement of learning to juggle 2 kids. (After some convincing from my mom, Paul and I made the decision to talk to our OB about putting me on something mild to help take the edge off, so to speak. We had originally declined the offer from the OB when he asked us about it while I was still in the hospital. I began taking a mild daily dose of Zoloft and I really feel that it has helped.)

I have experienced heart-wrenching jealousy. I was jealous that my sister-in-law is still pregnant with their baby boy and I am not, and that they were still able to celebrate having their first son and we are not. I was jealous every time I would find out that someone new was pregnant, and it felt like every person that I knew who was already pregnant found out that they are having a boy. I would even get jealous of the women I came in contact with in a store or restaurant who had a child with them and a pregnant belly.

I have experienced fear. I would lie awake in bed for hours fearing that I will never be able to get pregnant again, and that if I am able to get pregnant that I won't be able to keep the pregnancy full-term or at least far enough along for the baby to survive. With every pain, cramp, and discharge, I would fear that they were not normal symptoms and that I was loosing my fertility. I feared answering phone calls and the initial conversations with people, even close friends and family.

I have experienced worry. I worried about Paul and how he was coping with our loss. I worried about Grace and if she could sense that something was going on. I worried about something happening to my friends and family, especially Paul and Grace. I thought, "if this unexpected thing could happen, what else?" I worried about how expensive the medical bills would be.

I have experienced hurt. I had people who were close to us ask me inappropriate questions and say inappropriate things, which we had been warned by the Chaplin, doctor, and nurses would most likely happen, but I was still hurt when they did. I had people who I thought I was close to say nothing at all, not even acknowledge what we were going through.

I have experienced anger. I was angry at God and our new circumstances and how He could allow this to happen to our family. I was angry at women who choose to abort their own children, who in some cases are the same number of weeks along as I was with Noah when we lost him and some who are as far along as 20 weeks, because was able to hold our son in my arms and he was only 15 weeks 5 days developed.

This past month has been really hard, and sometimes it still is, but even through all of those difficult emotions, I experienced some positive and uplifting emotions too:

I have experienced love and kindness. Paul, Grace, and I were surrounded by an abundant outpouring of love. We had people show love by caring for Grace, bringing meals, sending words of encouragement through cards, texts, emails, and voicemails, giving gifts, and keeping us in their thoughts and prayers. For the past month, we have had more days of overnight company than not, with our family and my childhood best friend coming to just be here with us and love on us. All of this, while expecting nothing in return.

I have experienced patience. People allowed us to grieve on our own time by allowing us to answer or respond to them when we were ready and not being upset with us when we weren't. People let me cry when I needed to and laugh when I wanted to.

I have experienced joy and thankfulness. My amazing husband Paul, my sweet daughter Grace, my wonderful friends and family all brought me more joy during this month than I have experienced in a while. I kissed Paul longer and I squeezed Grace harder. I grew even closer to my sister-in-law. I took the time to appreciate all that I have, and I am so very VERY thankful that God has blessed me so richly!

I have experienced hope. My fear of if I am going to be able to have more children has changed to WHEN I have more children.

Most importantly, I have experienced peace. God sent us a heavenly angel to calm our fears and to remind us that He is with us, always. I know that He has a plan for us and that this whole experience is part of that plan, and slowly but surely, the sorrow and jealousy, the anger and hurt, and the fear and worry will continue to be replaced by more and more hope and peace.

God is good, all the time.

ALL the time...

GOD

IS

GOOD.

God Sent me an Angel

I know some of you may think that I am CRAZY, but I whole-heartedly believe that God sent me an angel today.

This morning started off like many other mornings. We woke up and had breakfast together as a family, Paul made his delicious waffles. After breakfast, we worked on cleaning up around the house a little and ran a few errands in preparation for some of our family coming into town tonight. While out, we decided to stop at Chick-fil-A and have lunch (I know, surprise, surprise...we ate at Chick-fil-A). Paul took Grace to sit down while I ordered.

When I got to the table, I noticed this man sitting at the table behind us, staring at our table. I tried to just ignore it and just continue to enjoy our lunch. As we were finishing up, this man walked over and said that he wanted to pray for us. "OK," we said and closed our eyes.

He began to pray. I have to admit, I was a little distracted by trying to keep Grace from getting out of the high chair. All of a sudden, the words, "bless their future children" catch my attention. I freeze. Shortly followed by, "and thank you for their future financial gain." My mouth drops. Those were literally the only two things that he prayed for. He says Amen. We thank him and he leaves the restaurant. Paul and I are silent for a minute before we begin cleaning up and gathering our belongings to leave.

We get in the car and make it about half way home before I turn and look at him and say, "I can't believe the two things that man prayed for."

Paul says, "I know, they brought me such comfort."

"Me too," I say as I tear up, "And peace."

What that man could not have known is that ever since we lost Noah, I have been having the immense fear that we will not be able to have any more children. He could not have known that we signed a contract on our house in Greenville and just received the inspection back but the contractor can't make it to our house until Tuesday to tell us what all needs to be done, how much it will cost, and if the company buying our house still wants to purchase it for sure. He could not have known that I have spent many nights lying awake in bed thinking about the loss of Noah and everything that goes with it. He could not have known that I spent last night lying awake in bed worrying about the sell of our house and what might happen if it falls through. He could not have known ANY of our current circumstances!...he was not a family member, he was not a friend, he was not overhearing us talking about them, he did not even have a conversation with us.

The only explanation is that he was an earthly angel and that God sent him to us to reassure us and remind us that He is taking care of us, just as He always does.

I truly believe that God answered my prayers, the same prayers I have been praying for the last month...to ease my mind and heart and to know that He is in control and that He has a plan.

I wasn't getting it.

I needed a visual.

God sent me an angel.

Noah Howard Rutherford

Today, I would have been 15 weeks and 5 days pregnant, but the Lord had other plans. (I know that there are people who have questions about my experience. Here is the whole story. Warning, it may be a tad graphic for some) It's 4:00am and I wake up with a warm wet feeling between my legs. I go into the bathroom and find that my pajama pants are soaking wet. I clean up and change pants quietly and wake up my husband Paul to let him know what just happened. He sits up and turns on the lamp on the bedside table as I call the answering service of my OB. Within a few minutes, the on-call OB calls me back. I tell her what happened and she tells me to put on a pad and to call back if it is soaked within the next 2 hours. I call her back 45 minutes later. She has me change pads again and tells me to call her back if I start to see blood. I call her back 30 minutes later. She tells me that I need to come to Wake Med to the emergency room to get checked out. Paul and I quietly get dressed and discuss what we need to pack in my bag and who we need to call to watch our daughter, Grace. We call our friend Linda, who of course without any hesitation, heads our way. Once she arrives, we hop in the car and head to the hospital. The car ride is mostly filled with quiet tears and comforting words to each other. We don't know what to really expect or what we are about to experience, but we try to stay positive. We arrive to the ER and go to the front desk to check in. I can no longer hold back the tears. Paul and I get through the check-in process and through triage, with him answering any questions that I can't manage to answer through my tears. They take us back to a room and have me undress. I slowly take off my pants and blood begins to stream down my legs. I begin to panic. They have me sit on the bed and a large amount of blood and clots come out...I FREAK. By now, I am beginning to have significant cramping. They ask if I would like something for the pain and anxiety, I say yes. A few minutes later the ER doctor arrives and explains that my OB would like me to go straight back to have an ultrasound. They wheel me towards the ultrasound lab with Paul following closely beside me. We arrive and the ultrasound tech is on the phone, telling them to wait to bring the patient who is supposed to be heading down, that she has a patient from the ER who needs to be seen first. She explains to us that we cannot see the screen and that she cannot tell us what she is seeing. We nod. The room is silent, except the sounds of images being taken and the ultrasound technician typing. After only a few minutes, she explains to us that she has sent the images to the OB and that she needs to call them to make sure that they have all that they need. She leaves the room. Paul and I look at each other, we are both thinking the same thing...this cannot be good news. She comes back and says that we are all done and that she hopes I feel better soon. The nurse wheels us back to the ER room, and we wait. A few minutes later, the ER doctor arrives back to the room and closes the door. Paul and I hold hands and wait. He explains to us that all of my amniotic fluid from around the baby is gone, and that the OB is on his way down and will explain to us the rest. We both begin to cry. He leaves the room and we hold each other and begin to cry even harder. We already know in our hearts that the outcome is not good. The OB comes in and sits down on the bed and holds my hand. He begins to explain to us that the amniotic fluid is gone and that the baby still has a heart beat. He tells us all of the possible outcomes, none of which involve us delivering a healthy full term baby. We are heartbroken. He tells us that they are going to admit me to the maternity ward, where I will stay until it is all over. They wheel me down the winding halls, Paul holding my hand the whole way, both of us numb with disbelief. The hardest part of the whole ride was being wheeled down the maternity hall, hearing the cries of newborns and the joyous laughter of new parents and their visitors. We arrive to our room, ironically, we are in the room directly across the hall from where we stayed after the birth of our daughter Grace. By this time, my gown is soaked with blood. They help me change gowns and get comfortable in my new bed. The nurse introduces herself and gently explains that we will stay in this room during the entire process, and that there is a picture of a leaf on the outside of the door to symbolize a loss. This is their way of communicating with the hospital staff, without having to use any words and without risking someone saying or asking any uncomfortable questions. The OB arrives a few minutes later with a portable ultrasound machine. Paul sits on the bed with me, with his arm around me while the OB checks for a heartbeat again. There still is one. He shows us the baby and the sack that has now collapsed around it with the lack of amniotic fluid. He sits down at the foot of the bed and begins to go back through all of the possible outcomes, this time he goes into more detail and we are able to ask questions. Our hope, at this point, is that the heart will stop naturally in the next four hours when he comes back with the portable ultrasound to check. He leaves. Paul and I cry. The nurse comes back in with tears in her eyes. She says, "I'm so sorry, I thought I could handle this." I said, "It is OK." And she hugs me and we both cry. She gets us all settled in and leaves. Paul and I begin the hard task of calling our families and letting them know what is going on. We also call a few close friends and make arrangements for them to watch Grace. Uncle Joe and Aunt Erin even took her to the pool. Thankfully, they ask for each other's phone numbers (they have never actually met each other) and tell us that they will take care of everything. Our friends Laura and Caleb has the last "shift" for the day, and assure us that they will go to our house and transfer Grace's carseat to their van and pack a bag for Grace with enough stuff for three days. (You know they are good friends when they are offer to do all of this for our daughter.) It definitely brought us great comfort in knowing that Grace would be taken care of for as long as we needed, since we had no idea how long this process would take. Laura is also the one who is keeping our Sunday School class updated on what is going on. Our neighbor has told us that they will lock up the house for us for the night and take care of Jasper for as long as we need. We spend the next 4 hours talking about how different the rest of the year will be, laughing at the sweet pictures of Grace that our friends send us, crying of the loss of our baby, praying that the Lord will make this process as safe and easy for me, and trying to envision what the next hours will hold for us. Before we know it, the OB is back in with the portable ultrasound. Paul and I hold hands, and our breath, as he looks at the baby still inside of me. There is still a heart beat. The OB asks us what we want to do next. We ask if we can wait a little longer, hoping that I will go into full labor on my own. By this time, the word is spreading and the text messages, voicemails, Facebook messages, and emails begin to pour in. Paul and I read and listen to every one of them, some are Bible verses, words of encouragement, or just heart break for us. It definitely brings us some comfort and peace knowing that so many are hurting and praying for us. During the next 4 hours, we eat some dinner and watch some TV, and Paul joins me in my hospital bed and holds me. I really just needed his arms around me. We are able to sleep for a few minutes, which was refreshing. I am passing heavier blood and clots and having some cramping. When Paul and I wake up, we know it is only a few more minutes before the OB comes back. We have finally come to grips with the fact that we may have to make a decision about speeding up the labor which will ultimately speed up the inevitable. The longer we wait, the higher the risk is for me to develop an infection and the longer I could stay in the hospital. If we made the decision to leave the hospital and "wait it out", we could be back the next day, a week from now, or a month from now, but the outcome will ultimately be the same. It is just too early. Paul and I talk about all of our options. We feel that choosing to leave the hospital to wait out the inevitable is not the choice for us. What kind of life would that be?...constantly wondering if the baby's heart beat has finally stopped or if I am getting an infection. We wouldn't be able to travel or to just enjoy life with our daughter. The moment of truth comes as the OB comes back with the portable ultrasound. The baby's head is now down in the birthing position, and there is still a heart beat. We decide that we want to go ahead and speed up the contractions so that we can finish this process sooner than later and begin to healing process. The OB supports our decision and orders the medicine. It is 4 tablets that will be inserted vaginally. He explains to us what is going to happen next as we wait for the nurse to bring the medicine. He places the pills and leaves the room. Paul and I cry. We have no idea what the next few hours will have in store for us, but we know that it involves loosing our unborn baby. I am encouraged to continue to drink fluids and empty my bladder. They hook me up to an IV and order a pain pump. We update our families again and check on Grace. She is heading to bed for the night. A couple of hours later, I go to empty my bladder and the pills all come out. We page the nurse, who calls the doctor. This time, he brings 3 pills for me to take orally. He explains that these may actually speed up the process even more. About 30 minutes later, the contractions begin. We page the nurse to check on the pain pump, by now shift change has happened, so we wanted to make sure it hadn't been forgotten about. It still hasn't been delivered by the pharmacy yet. With in 30 minutes the contractions are 1 minute apart with no real relief in between. I am in a large amount of pain. The reality hits me. I am not ready for this. We are that much closer to delivery. I begin to hyperventilate. The nurse calls the OB to check on my progress. My cervix is thinning, but there is still no dilation. The OB prescribes me a shot of pain medicine and some anti-anxiety medicine. The nurse has me focus on my breathing to help calm me down. With in a few minutes the medicines kicks in and I am very relaxed and feeling very little pain. The pain pump comes and they hook me up. They tell Paul and me to just relax and try to rest. We sleep for a little less than 2 hours before I wake up. I have the urge to push. I can feel, what I know my heart, is the baby in my birth canel. The nurse comes in and checks. It is time. I sob. I can't do this. Paul holds my hand and reassures me, tears in his eyes. It is 1:15am. I give a small push and the baby is out. It is a boy. This surprises us and saddens us at the same time. They cut the cord and wrap him in a small blanket. They ask if we would like to hold him. I put him in my arms and we cry. He looks perfect, like a teeny tiny normal healthy baby. He isn't fully developed, of course, but you can't really tell just by looking at him. They ask if we have a name for him. Noah Howard Rutherford. We chose the name Noah because he followed God's command to build an ark without ever doubting...and even though we cannot begin to understand the reasoning for our loss, we know that this was God's plan for our son and for our life as a family. God is in control, and we take some comfort in knowing that we will see Noah again one day in heaven. Howard is both Paul's middle name and his father's first name. We always knew that we wanted to use that name one day as our son's middle name. They take him away to measure and weigh him, he weights 79 grams and is 6 inches long. The nurses put their focus back on me. The placenta has still not been delivered. They clamp the small umbilical cord and the OB comes in. He apologizes for not making it before Noah was born. There are others having babies too, we understand. The team of nurses were wonderful. He explains that he is going to give me some more medicine to induce more contractions hoping that the placenta will come out on it's own. I have 2 hours. If it does not, I will need a DNE. He leaves. The nurses begin to clean me up and start to change some of the bedding and help me change my gown. They leave and Paul and I cry again together. We send a text message to our family to let them know that our son was born. We wait again, and we pray. Our prayer is now that the placenta will come out on it's own so that we can skip the DNE surgery. This has already been so much on us. The 2 hours are over. The OB comes in and checks the progress. He tells us that I need a DNE, which will require me to be under anesthesia. He leaves to set up an OR and the nurses begin to prep me for surgery. I ask them if I can keep pushing when I feel the urge, they say yes. They are done prepping me and the main nurse leaves to get the transport. I feel the urge to push. I push and there is the sensation of a large amount of something that has come out. The nurse's aid looks, turns and opens the door to yell down the hall, "I think what y'all are looking for just came out." Paul and I look at each other in amusement and relief. The nurse comes back to check. The placenta is out. She pages the OB who examines me again. No DNE. Praise God! The clean me up again and explain what I will experience next. I will come back to the OB in 6 weeks for my post-pardom exam. I have, after all, given birth to a baby, even though I am only 15 weeks along and he does not get to come home with us. The OB explains that I will have to wait 6 months before I can try to get pregnant again, my body needs to time recover and heal just like after any other birth. To me, this is the hardest thing to hear. Not only do I not get to have our baby on November 24, 2013 (or around there), as planned, now I can't even try to get pregnant again until after that time. I do the math in my head. It will be the first of the year before we can try again. If we are able to get pregnant again right away, it means that we won't be able to have a baby until the end of NEXT year. It feels as the hole in my heart has gotten even bigger. A little while later, everyone leaves the room. The tell us to rest, we need it. We snuggle together and talk about the events of the day and grieve over the loss of the future plans that we had been anticipating with a new baby. After a little while, we know it is time to sleep. Paul goes back to his fold out bed. I cry myself to sleep. We wake up to the sound of the nurse entering the room, breakfast is here. She gets my vitals and asks how we are doing. It has been a rough night for her too. We find out that we were one of SEVEN families going through this exact same ordeal, some who's babies where younger, some who's babies were older, and some who would have to have DNEs. As strange as it may sound, it brought some comfort knowing that there were others who had been going through the same ordeal and the same time, others who knew our pain. At this time, we asked for the Chaplin. She arrived a few minutes later with a memory box for us. Inside were molds of Noah's tiny feet and legs, a birth certificate type paper with his birthday and measurements and tiny feet prints, a few pictures of Noah, and the hat and tiny handkerchief that he was wearing. In a way, taking home that box brought a tiny bit of comfort, knowing that we had something of him we were bringing home. I nurse came in to take some blood to run some tests before I can be discharged. She hugs me and tells me how sorry she is for our loss. She continues to tell us that she went through the same thing in 2009 with her twins, a boy and a girl. She was only 23 weeks and neither baby survived. I cried for her and with her and for the comfort that it brought when someone shared their story. She gave me her number and told me that if I ever need to talk, she would be there for me. We hug and she leaves. My nurse comes back in and tells me that I can finally take a shower. Paul helps me to the bathroom. The warm water feels so nice on my tired aching body. For the first time in 36 hours, I feel clean...and empty. I dress, brush my hair and teeth, and we prepare to leave. We wait for the transport. Paul and I talk about where we go from here, what do we do. These are uncharted and unplanned waters we are about to head out into. The wheelchair arrives, and I sit down. They wheel me out and Paul follows behind. We are so ready to hold and squeeze our sweet Grace, but we are both anxious about what these next hours, days, weeks, months have in store for us. We catch up with our families on the way. We pick up Grace, she has had a blast with all of her adventures. We arrive home. There are bills, a dog to take care of, a daughter to love, dinner to prepare (which was already in our fridge, thanks to sweet friends), errands to run, work to catch up with...life is still going on, the world hasn't stopped for us to grieve. We go through our afternoon and evening rituals and put Grace to bed. We begin to reflect on the last few days. God has had a plan all along, He knew that this was going to happen and has truly protected us. I was supposed to go to Greenville on Saturday by myself with Grace, but I ended up in the ER with cramping and bleeding, and after being checked out, I was released a few hours later with orders to follow up with my OB on Monday. What if I was in Greenville, away from Paul when all of this happened? God protected us. It happened on a Sunday, when most of our friends were available to help out with Grace, what if it had happened during the week? God protected us. Everything happened naturally, I didn't have to have an DNE. God protected us. Grace was with people who loved her, she had such a great time. God protected us. Even though we lost our son through a miscarriage and had to deliver at 15 weeks. God protected us. He knows what is best for us. God has truly blessed us with an amazing family and support system, both in Raleigh and beyond. Navigating through the next few days is going to be tricky, since we don't really know what they will bring to us emotionally, but God will protect us. We are thanking and praising God for all of the beauty and goodness that can come out of sorrow and sadness. God is with us, all of the time. I shared my story with you because I know that it brought me comfort when others shared theirs with me. I hope that I have been an encouragement to you. If you need to talk or want to share your story with me, I urge you to do so! God brings people into our lives for a reason, a season, or a life time. I hope I can be one of those people for you.